My family and I have spent the past several days together. Unpacking moving boxes, watching movies, eating, laughing, making space in the corners of our home. It has been a great few days. The sort of days that you might take for granted, but shouldn't. We even managed a baby bump photo shoot one afternoon. (I'll post a photo or two at the end.)
The majority of the past 2 days have been spent finishing the unpacking of boxes that were overtaking our garage since our move last month. My husband and I have worked together for hours over the past two days to get boxes emptied and things put away. As I work, I often have a running dialogue in my head of things I'm thinking about, working through, planning, contemplating, etc. I have been really focused on light during these last few days. As in, lighten-ing. As in, letting go and making space and breathing.
I carry things with me both emotionally and physically. As a result, I have boxes and boxes of stuff that I have carried from home to home to home. Baggage. Some of which I was happy to be reunited with but letting go of the unneeded and releasing the unnecessary has made me feel lighter. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Clearing out the cobwebs of time and letting the warm sun shine in. light.
While we managed to empty the garage, there is still much work to do. My art space is by far going to be the pièce de résistance as the room is barely penetrable at this moment. But what has been done so far has been enlightening. I am anxious to move forward into my space. It will hold many transformations for me. My art space used to be my sanctuary. My escape. My way to ignore what was happening around me. It wasn't healing or generous. It was painful.
Over the last 2 years, I have found my voice in my art. I have grown into the artist I am today. I am still growing and learning, but I have, so far, done this without the surroundings of my former area. It will be interesting to see how I let go in this room. I have a hope in my heart of what I would like it to feel like, but sometimes, emotions get the best of us all. My goal is to create a space that is warm and inviting. Open and sacred. Emotional and thought provoking. Healing. Light.
Learning to let go for your own benefit is a difficult, painful task to learn. As a child I grew up having to let go of everything that I had, knew and loved over and over again. Nothing was constant in my life. Not who raised me, not where I lived, not the school I went to or even the rules I had to follow. You learn to detach yourself from things that matter and jump through hoops.
As an adult, I took some super secret oath to never let go. Of anything. Not scraps of paper, or old scrub brushes. This too became a problem. Upon my awakening, which is what I like to call to period of time that I woke up and started living MY life, I was fearful of letting go. Letting go meant perhaps that the previous years of my life weren't valid. Or that I was trying to somehow forget a time when I was hurting rather than focusing on the beauty that I was blessed with, such as my son. So I started with baby steps. Anything broken, un-fixable, unwearable or outdated could go. What a huge step for me. I struggled, really I did. It was like ripping off an arm to get me to throw out an old newspaper.
Over the past 4 years, I have become braver at letting go and genuinely being ok with that. Chalk it up to feeling secure and loved and validated. However, I still have to be the one to make the decision of what can stay and what can go. But I am doing it. And that, my friends, is what is really important. Taking steps forward into my new life that is filled with love and laughter and light.
I read this post on Roots of She recently and feel that it is fitting for today.
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.
-Rachel Naomi Remen"
This is what runs through my heart now.
Letting go to become who I am.
And it feels damn good.
And now... the baby bump.
26ish weeks along.
with the boy.
